HSP + EBV : 2007 Remix

The last time I wrote in this blog about my being so sick and then it being discovered during the course of my treatment I had Epstein-Barr, [EBV] I remember clearly the feeling of having no social outlet - nor desiring one. But yet I remember the day I was so frustreated and so sick with 103 and higher fevers for days; I remember getting out of bed for increments of at most three hours only to have to go back due to the spikes in temperature and pain I had just "being up". I remember clearly the wish to just die. I said to my beloved, "Let me go. I'll reincarnate. You'll be 60 and I'll be 30 and it'll be fine. Okay?" He said no. So I held on. I came here and I blogged about it to a lacking morass of people I knew I would never meet; People who would never care or know that I was so sick, so depressed and almost suicidal. With great feeling I would die I nobly set out to chronicle my events on blogspot. My pending divorce wasn't helping. I am an HSP you understand, and that means highly prone to empathic feelings and re-feeling with great acumen yearly events or the anniversary or other certain circular periods of particularly memorable or painful events. A while ago, something happened that affected me deeply between the hours of 5:00 - 7:00pm. For weeks I didn't understand why I began feeling depressed and extremely sad around the same time every day. When I discovered I was HSP it then made sense. Until I reconciled the "trauma" I was like a ghost in movies refeeling the same "injury" [bleak emotions] over and over at a particular time. Read more articles about being a Highly Sensitive Person Now here's the Remix. I'm starting to get sick again. It's early March. My sickness has driven me to my [paper] journal where I see - as I peck this out - that on March 5 2005 is when I would move away from my husband. March 04th 2005 I would become so sick -from something unrelated but had me on narcotics - that my friends would be over taking care of me while my husband screamed at me for not doing what he wanted me to do. The next day, my life unmanageable and my friends taking care of me, they talked me into leaving him. I was a mess. I couldn't make a decision. Path of least resistance clouded by the fact I was developing a close friendship with my beloved. So. Here I am in 2007. Still not reconciled. Getting sick again. I imagine I'll put this entry in with other Living Within Samsara articles but I feel so not together right now. I'm misspelling my posts and comments. I'm sweating and feverish. Chills. Lethargic. Anti-Social. Feeling dejected and thinking I need to quit remembering this stuff. I wish there was a forget pill like on the Matrix. Can I return to the lie? Or am I in the lie? What the hell? Technorati: ebv, highly sensitive person, HSP, Epstein Barr Virus, fevers, re-feeling, cellular memory, cursed, personal, sickness, HSP EBV, reincarnation, paranormal, HSP curse